From one of my readers:
Reading these comments make me sad but I’m also full of encouragement and hope for those of you who have decided to quite this horrible drug for good.
Before I write anything else, I’d like to let you know I am a woman in my mid 30s who doesn’t take an aggressive stand against recreational drug or alcohol use. I’ve tried many things myself, probably will again and have many friends that do the same.
The experience I want to share is about chronic marijuana use and it’s effect on my last relationship. If you are a user, or in a relationship with someone who smokes regularly, then maybe in one way or another my story might make you realize, just like I eventually did, that your situation isn’t unique. I found it was reading other posts, stories and blogs myself that finally made me realise my relationship ‘issues’ were almost identical to many, many other people. And the thing we all had in common was a partner who was addicted to weed.
If you are a smoker and in a relationship that isn’t going too well, or if you are in a relationship and your partner is a smoker, then perhaps you recognise the following?
Irritability and moodiness:
As soon into my relationship as 2 months I would come over to my (now ex) boyfriend or him to me and be met by a short temper or out-of-character low mood. Being right at the start of a relationship and overcome by infatuation this registers to the non-smoker as something very strange. I had been looking forward to seeing him all day, maybe for days and seemingly so had he. But still I met up with a person who was short or slightly harsh in the tone. A bit closed off and lacking enthusiasm or excitement. To the sober partner, subconsciously at least, this behavior makes them feel undesired or that something is wrong. As it was quite early on in my relationship I tried to ignore this feeling and go with the flow. When we had known each other a little longer and after some repeated instances I spoke up about it. At this point I had no idea it could be the addiction so just expressed how it made me feel. I was met by an array of explanations such as hunger, ‘it runs in the family’, busy with work, stress and many others. Again.. The different explanations register as a bit odd to the person questioning the behavior but I suspect my ex didn’t even realise how many different explanations he managed to come up with.
Cancellation of dates etc:
Again, early in the relationship I got stood up. The reasons were various, some understandable (work) some I had less sympathy for (just want to hang out at home). Please note that I am talking about a partner who does this very early on in the relationship, and with slightly too much frequency. Again, the sober person is left wondering if her/his partner is really as into the relationship as them, but in my own case there were many fantastic and loving moments between us and so again; I ignored my gut and went with it
Inability to cope with stress:
For my partner there was no such thing as maintaining a relationship whilst something was going ‘wrong’ or being difficult in other areas of his life. He was in between jobs at one point and this caused him to cancel more dates, act more distant, become completely incapable of dealing with any concern I might have brought up as well as become even more irritable and moody. The ‘stress’ absorbed him and ate away at him – it was incredibly challenging to try to be supportive as in context of what he had been through and what people go through all the time in life his behavior and approach to the problems made little sense. Everything seemed to get so blown out of proportion. As the sober partner you’re left wondering what will happen when children come along? Sickness? Death of parents?
Incapable of making plans:
This became a common one, probably more so as the relationship went on and after I had expressed how the cancelled dates made me feel. At the start of the week my boyfriend would not be able to say with certainty when we could meet up or do something. Suggestions for dates or other events were met with ‘maybe’. The reasons were work or one of the constant stressors, yet as the week went by there would be plenty of time for him to meet up with friends or engage in things, as long as it had been last minute plans and he felt up for it on the day. As the sober partner your heart sinks a little more. You feel that you are not a priority and might even feel like your partner doesn’t even enjoy spending time with you. It also is easy to start putting your life on hold. You don’t make plans for your friends or yourself in case your boyfriend decides out of the blue that today is a good day to see you.
Emotional immaturity:
Because getting stoned allow most people an escapism from any emotions they may be feeling, it’s safe to jump to the conclusion that if you start in your teens and smoke regularly for X amount of years, you will not develop a good strategy to deal with your emotions. You’d probably also be very sensitized to feeling anything, meaning the slightest hurt or anger makes you uncomfortable. Most people cope with this by just smoking more. Emotions like hurt, guilt, anger etc are uncomfortable, granted. But when we feel them that uncomfortable feeling is there to teach us something. If you don’t allow yourself to feel these feelings, you will not become very good at avoiding what behaviors or situations make you feel that way. If there was conflict between me and my ex, or I brought something up which I wanted to discuss, My ex very often demonstrated behaviours similar to that of a teenage boy. He’d shut down and refused to discuss, he’d blackmail me through threatening to end the relationship, he’d become incredibly defensive and would often ‘punish’ me for days afterwards through getting in touch with me a lot less than I was used to or being cold towards me. This made me very frustrated but also hurt. When you express a need or desire to the person who loves you (within reason, and my needs were definitely within reason) and they don’t show any desire to compromise to make the relationship better and address that hurt, it makes you really question their commitment and love. With that of course comes insecurities and anxiety. Having a discussion or argument with someone who responds like a 16 year old, when you are both well into your 30s also becomes draining. You know an adult mature conversation is all it takes yet you find yourself roped into 3-day fights, resentment, blame-games and all the rest.
Distant personality:
It’s only with hindsight I can now see so many of the things I’m listing here with clarity. With distant personality I mean little genuine interest in what goes on around you. My ex would ask about my day but I soon realized how forced it sounded and conversations were difficult and felt a bit ‘fake’ unless alcohol or cocaine was involved. We’d go for a walk and run out of ‘normal’ things to talk about and I can’t count the times we’d be hanging out together on the couch, him absorbed with his laptop, me kind of just floating next to him, reading or watching TV. Not a word said for sometimes hours. Again, this is fine when you have a solid past behind you but in your first few months? And to any stoners reading this who think they function absolutely fine when lean: to anyone who knows you and who is present there is an absolute change in the atmosphere and they pick up on it. You may feel normal, but take mine and your sober partners word for it: you really appear very very different. It’s hard to pinpoint but to most people who’s with you it’s unsettling.
Delayed uptake of information:
I would convey something to my ex and often be met by; ‘let me think of that’ or ‘I need time to process that’ only for him to seemingly forget about it all together. It wasn’t complicated stuff in most cases.
Lack of enthusiasm:
This goes along with irritability perhaps, but it’s hurtful and draining for a positive, optimistic and happy sober partner to constantly be met with negative responses to suggestions of things to do, not much engagement and no smiles to funny stories, no laughter, no zest for life, no excitement about the future etc etc
There it is. My one (and only) experience dating a chronic weed smoker. From the reading I have done, my story is not by any means unusual. My ex fell in love with me, wanted a future with me, wanted children with me, was proud over me, felt absolutely so lucky to be with me, yet now he has lost me. And I of course have lost him. I can’t be angry with him. In fact I spent many weeks after our split feeling very sorry for him and like I had abandoned him. Although it took me a few months to make the connection between the drugs and his behaviour, once I confronted him about it he ended up defending and choosing his addiction over us.
I’ve listed the things which made our relationship impossible. But in between these behaviours and issues were of course moments of bliss. A lot of love and a lot of wonderful times. I think these times are what kept me stuck for a few months. I fell in love and I didn’t want the good times to end. It still hurts a lot thinking about ‘what could have been’ but I suspect that’s just an illusion we get lost in when our dreams and fantasies are shattered.
I’ve moved on and if you find yourself in a similar situation to mine then I hope you can too. To any smokers out there struggling with relationships and not understanding why: I really hope you will start listening to the people close to you and trust that they really do see the World more clearly than you ever can. I hope you can realize that it is time to stop making excuses for this horrible drug. It’s not innocent or harmless, it’s ruining lives. You will never quite see just how much until you become free. I wish everyone the best.
57 replies to "What’s it like being in a relationship with a chronic marijuana smoker?"
Thank you so much for this article. This is bang on and I really could not even add anything more to the reality of dating a chronic pot head. I still am struggling in coming to terms with this because there were good parts that is really hard for me to just let go of. I didn’t stay for too long because I know it would destroy me. He is also a social worker and deals with his post work stress by completely zoning out from the world. It was hard for someone as extroverted, outgoing and full energy to compromise on his actions, when he is not willing to do the same. I never thought of it being his dependency on weed but based on this article, it truly is.
Regards,
Patrick
This is a bunch of horse shit. First off if you in your 30’s and still dating there is an issue with you. It’s not the weed smoking, it is the guy you are to stupid to realize that. stop picking losers.
Comments like this are not helpful, but I choose to publish them anyhow. There will be haters and people who try to take you off course. Learning to deal with them is an important tool on your journey.
guess they should be picking winners like you huh? cause you seem like a real catch bud.
Typical weed head reply, you looser writing that and judgmental so sure of yourself you actually think your correct, hilarious bet your rolling a joint now
This is so relateable. I am going through a similar situation and the guy i’ve been dating has been a smoker for ten years. We’ve been together for almost a year now and it started out more beautiful and passionate than anything I had ever experienced. I really thought, and sometimes still think that he’s the one. He really is an amazing guy but he has so many suprested issue’s from childhood. He currently suffers from Bipolar 2 and covers up any intense emotions he has with cannibus use. He smokes chronically and probably much more than I even realise. At first I tried to be accepting, I didn’t grow up with it so I figured I was kinda bias so I did my best to accept the habit. The problem with this situation is that I let him get away with way too much. His behavior (like the ones here) caused me to slowly deteriorate mentally. I tried to talk it out but he just shut down, said anything that would make me feel better and just continued as he always did. I’ve tried so hard to make it work but I can’t just watch him just go through life existing and not feeling as strongly as I do. I need someone who works with me to resolve problems. Not someone who feeds me lies just because he can’t cope
Amen I feel the same way mine been smoking since he was 15 and he’s 37 and we’ve been together for 6 years. I’m so tired of it we dont do anything it’s been 2 years since we been to the beach we have a 4 year old son and I dont want him doing g when he gets older.
This article resembles my story, was married for 4 and A half years. Started out sanding man of my dreams then he started smoking heavily and he started having the same signs the person write Inn this article, distant, harsh at conflict, dead hearted always down, didn’t want to go anywhere less active, just work and home and out when there was pot smoking hangouts. Thought out our marriage, he’s threatened to leave, he constantly complains he’s not lived not cared for, yet as if he was in another world, so careless about hurting me… It got to a point where ran out of things to give, and it ended. He walked away and instead of doing so the effort to make it work he walked away. He’s content with weed and his phone. He’s numb. And although I love him to death but I had to love me at the end. This marriage had amazing days full of love and passion but it had many hurtful pain causing stress and anxiety as well. To all the pot smokers, stop stop stop smoking that stuff. Love your life sober, you’ll see all the good things, the beautiful things you should be sober to appreciate. Be grateful and if you have a problem don’t smoke to numb it or ignore it, face it head on with rationality and complete awareness. We only live once and we owe it to ourselves to make every second count. Don’t lose time, don’t waste your energy. You can light the world with one light bulb at a time.
I have read through many of the posts left on this site. SOOO TRULY HELPFUL! I dated someone who mentioned he smoked weed and I put it out of my head initially. I thought perhaps it was just recreational use. Eventually after several weeks of dating, he invited me over to his house to meet his son and hang out a little. MAN, what a wake up call! He spent the evening drowning in pot smoking!! Bongs, joints, vaporizers were all ablaze throughout the evening etc. It was clear he was REALLY into it. He then admitted to me that “I will smoke pot until I die.” He had also mentioned that he had smoked it continuously since a very young age!! LONG story short, I continued to feel uneasy. I had started to have feelings for him but I didn’t fit in to his world of pot smoking. He had the raspy sounding irritated breathing from irritated lungs, sometimes had a tight chest, and chest pain, sometimes had to spit out phlegm, sometimes had to pass out or sleep a lot, had very little energy for intimacy and sometimes had a huge surge etc of sexual energy???? Confusing! I also noted many of the things mentioned in other posts on different forums on this topic. At times, he had trouble keeping plans and dates with me and would become vague or loosely commit to plans, he couldn’t or WOULDN’T communicate with me if I ever brought up something that was bothering me that made him uncomfortable. He would at times barely acknowledge my feelings and comments when I just wanted to communicate and improve our relationship and keep the lines of communication open. He would almost dismiss uncomfortable subjects by jumping over the subject and talking about something else right away or acting like it was never brought up in the first place etc. SO HURTFUL! I continuously wanted so much to just love the HELL out of him and always tried to talk to him with respect and even held back many times and went with the flow thinking that this approach would help. I’m not sure it did. I never got through with EITHER approach. He was sometimes very high and in good spirits and also sometimes very irritable and angry other days. I wasn’t sure which side of the high he was on or what a normal week looked like for him??? I felt really really guilty about probing into his life but decided to do a background check after he mentioned he was dealing with some legal matters! Good intuition. He had a long list of offenses that showed me that he likely wasn’t the best partner for me including the fact that he had used pot to cope all these years while repeating the same offenses over and over! He was very bitter towards his ex wife as well and brought her up a lot just going on and on about how horrible she was using explicatives and regurgitating all the bad memories and experiences he had with her. He did this a lot!! Too much information!! He was also very angry at lots of other people and became animated about it from time to time. He felt he had enemies and “haters” in another state and I just couldn’t tell what was real or false. He was either paranoid or just dealing with a lot of broken bridges and/or conflicts with others in his past. I always felt his strong feelings of hate for his ex wife were actually stronger than his like or love for me! I didn’t feel he had ever truly processed all of his emotions about various things. I felt I was walking right into his storm and I felt deeply uneasy about it. My life was super stress free! I was not into any drug and had a very stable and fulfilling lifestyle!! He in the other hand, had lots going on and lots if loose ends he was dealing with. He wanted me to move in fairly quickly which was another red flag. My credit was excellent while his was either poor or non-existent. I felt like a band aid in his life although I’m sure he may have actually wanted a relationship. It just seemed like any relationship would have to be mostly on his terms at my expense!! There is just so much to say about riding the waves in the relationship but I just reached my threshold and finally got the courage to go ahead and break up with him. JUST the addiction to pot was a deal breaker, but seeing that so much had happened in his life BEFORE meeting me and noting that pot smoking was a DAILY coping mechanism made me scared! I do agree that if you don’t process your feelings but instead, use a drug to temporarily avoid the discomfort, you will never be able to be emotionally available to your ( sober) partners needs. I praised my self for NOT staying forever and ignoring all the red flags as I did at the start!! Going No contact is a BRILLIANT idea! It hurts! YES it hurts and seems counterintuitive. You long to connect, to get better closure, more resolve and clarity and PEACE. You LOVE the other person and want the best for them and are secretly hoping it can work out and are willing to reach out “one last time” and see if something buds again and there’s a chance at a mutually fulfilling relationship. BUT it CAN’T happen if there aren’t TWO vulnerable, honest, and emotionally available and HEALTHY people there to do that. You will go back with high hopes with an open heart and if your marijuana addicted boyfriend is STILL using, you will get hurt and disillusioned. It will leave you feeling like a fool as well. If an addict hasn’t changed, you run the risk of hurting yourself AGAIN. Why not put all your strength and energy I to seeking someone who WILL be all that you need in the long run! Why not choose someone whose state of health- emotional and physical matches yours! It’s time to let go and yes it’s possible right now!!!! I DID IT! AMEN! I DID IT! Picture yourself with the person who is addicted over time. Get as detailed as you possibly can in your mind. Play this out over YEARS and ask yourself if YOU can hold up, dismiss, or fully accept how YOU will feel, how YOU will live, and how YOU will get your needs met! Why do this just to get a little love now and then? This would NOT be a sustainable lifestyle and you would be wasting time not fulfilling your best life! You CAN DO IT!! Give yourself permission! Once you are IN another relationship where love flows, you WILL NOT REGRET your decision!!!
ugh..this is my life right now, Its so hard to let him go.
same here.. since 5 years I am going through this so blindly. OH.. He smokes every day and if he runs off the weed we had an emotional blast. I can not stand his moodiness or anxiousness, he just can not be the same as he used to be. He tells me all the time, that weed is not a problem, everyone has addictions(sugar, coffee, shopping, etc) Oh girl… I need to make a decision about changing my life because he won’t change..
I experienced everything you did. Amazing how the dysfunctional partner is dictating all the terms of the relationship. Every day I spent in that relationship brought me down. Finally I realized I was seriously depressed. What other outcome could there be? The primary relationship is between them and pot. You and I were after thoughts. .
This is my life right now. Except we have been together for 4 years. He’s smoked since a young teenager and then had 12 years of serious drug addictions. He got clean of meth etc but still smokes weed daily and has been told he has CHS. I am blamed for everything that is wrong and that all I do is tell him how shit he is. I’m a sober partner and have never done drugs and hardly drink now.
Tammy,
You can’t change a person who doesn’t want to. Stand your ground and don’t accept any blame that you don’t deserve. This might not be a good relationship for you, but only you know in your heart what is right.
Hope u have left him. Get clear about the futureuou want.
I so needed to read this! I’ve only just started seeing a smoker who I adore but the behavior described is him exactly. I smoked for years and I know it did me no favours. You’re in an alternate reality when you’re a pothead and real life is something to be avoided at all costs.
His flakiness and unresponsiveness,even though he’s also very sweet and adorable at times,is messing with my emotions and I realize I need to pull the plug instead of wasting my time.
I’m here because I’ve been dating a smoker for 1yr. At first he was always broke. I thought ok, he’s going through a hard time. He has a good job, and a yr later still broke (we dont live together). I now know his income and expenses, and it doesnt add up. He says he’s trying to save, but I just have a feeling he’s not saving and its going up in smome (punn intended). Feedback from others who’ve experienced this would be appreciated…?
Howdy. It can be an expensive habit for sure. I wrote a post about how much I spent smoking weed. $50 a week is $2500 a year. Lots of smokers spend much more than that on smoke and accessories. How much does he eat at restaurants, drink etc. Do you have a goal to save together?
Let me say I agree WHOLE HEARTEDLY. The continuous pot use has caused:
SERIOUSLY Poor decision making
Lack of social skills
Inability to follow a conversation
Lack of recall
Lack of memory
Aggressive issues
Crying too much at sad situations and doing so frequently
Use of hurtful sarcasm and thinking serious things are “funny”
Inability to follow through on almost everything and suffering long-term consequences repeatedly.
I should point out he has been a chronic user since he was a teen and is now 45. I’m over it.
With these descriptions, I feel like I’m dating your ex husband.
When I first met my husband he was the most amazing man. We moved in together then after about 17 months together he started to change. I discovered he was smoking weed and became very angry and verbally aggressive towards me and my children. Our sex life had become virtually non existent and he became more angry. I spoke to him several times that he had to stop but would continue to sneak around my back. Everyone I spoke to was convinced he was using more than just weed. I put up with this for 2 and half years then we split up. I met up with him and he broke down crying and admitted he had been using meth as well as smoking weed. He said he had booked into drug counselling and I told him I would support him through this which I did. He said he would never ever touch drugs again and we got back together. We ended up getting married then I noticed a change in him again. He was smoking weed again. When I first knew for sure I went mad and we continued to live together but as a separate. He convinced me he had stopped for good yet again but I discovered he was sneaking around smoking again. This time I took a different approach and said I would support him but he must wean himself of it and it had to stop. I noticed he wasn’t weaning himself off in fact was doing it as much as he was. He did his through a bucket bong and would do this up to 6 times a day a few cones each time and I would hear him coughing his guts up every time. Everyday he would say I’m cutting right back tomorrow but never did. I had enough and told him I’m not doing this anymore. He is totally stoned all the time we had no sexual intimacy and if he didn’t have it he was an angry man.
So I am still in the house but I’m making plans to get my own home. I’m 51 years old I’m not a drug taker I’ve never been a drug taker and I don’t want to live with one. All my children couldn’t live with him either and moved out because of his behaviour. As far as I’m concerned he has chosen his weed over his marriage and I can’t wait to be in my own home without all this bullshit. I know he will find it hard without me but he has made his choice and I need to make mine.
Weed is not harmless it turns people into monsters.
I have always been there to support him even when he has been awful to me but I deserve better.
Amen you do deserve better.
Does anyone else have to deal with split personalities especially when he’s not smoking weed????a
Hi yes totally I have been dating a pothead for 8 years.The only time he was totally what I call normal was when we went on holiday and he couldn’t smoke the stuff.He was a totally different person .talkative emotionally connected and listened.
Quite the opposite.
If he had kicked the habit it would of been a dream partner.
Unfortunetly he chose the weed and I could not cope anymore with his opposite personality.
After reading this post and all the comments I really feel the need to share my own experiences. Maybe some of them will help other people in similar situations. I am 46 years old and I’m in no way against people using pot for either recreational or medical reasons. I like to think I have a very open mind about this and I never judge anyone for the choices they make in their personal lives. What I’m writing here doesn’t come from judgment or moralizing. It comes from being hurt in a friendship that I really thought was an important and valuable part of my life.
This is not about a romantic relationship. It’s about a friendship that is on the verge of being destroyed by pot, but actually it’s not really the pot but the person who is dependent on it and pot’s influence on their emotions, and thinking. .
I met my friend a few years ago, before pot entered the picture. He is 43 so just a little younger. He was fun to be around. We shared a lot of common interests and really liked hanging out, talking, going places, and sharing things with each other we had never told anyone else. It felt great to be in the company of someone I could trust and talk openly with, on any subject at all. He is married, they have a kid. From what I can see, is pretty well off. I’m married but we don’t have any kids. We’re very happy with each other. We’ve always been in love and we live kind of an average life..
I knew that my friend had experience with hallucinogens – I think mostly club drugs at the time – and I didn’t really care. I’ve never done club drugs or really anything stronger than some coke in college and weed. In fact, I was curious about his experiences with them and I didn’t mind talking about the things he “discovered” when he took them. At first, it was no big deal to me.
As time went on though, he became more and more interested in pot. He would tell me when he would smoke it and still it didn’t matter to me. I even smoked it with him a few times but to be honest I didn’t like the effect and really didn’t want to smoke it again. So I didn’t. I didn’t realize his use of it was steadily increasing, month after month, until I began to put two and two together. He would forget things, He would blow off meetings we would agree on. He seemed emotionally “not there” and not at all interested in the things we used to talk about or what I would talk about or what I was doing in my life. It seemed like he was letting himself go, like looking sloppy and tired all the time. He told me he rarely got out of bed before 10 in the morning was usually so tired when we would meet that he made excuses for not being talkative or very interested in anything at all. I tried to get him interested in the things I liked thinking it might spark something in him and snap him out of what seemed to me like a long depression. Eventually, he would never suggest anything for us to do together. He wouldn’t contact me for weeks at a time and would never ask how I was or what I was doing like he used to in the past. When I texted him I’d get two or three word answers. He seemed just bored with life and with me in particular. This kind of hurt but I just blew past it at the time. Denial is powerful.
I began to realize my denial of the reality right under my nose was the thing getting in my way of seeing what was going on. He was so secretive by this time and, when I thought about it, he carefully kept me away from his other friends kind of like I was being locked out of his private life completely. I only met his wife by accident at a party and I have never met his kid. He never introduced me to anyone he knew and it seemed like he was embarrassed by me when I was with him and other people were around, like in public.
As time went on he became more and more vague with me. I never had a clear picture of what was going on in his life. It felt like I was being lied to but I could never put my finger on exactly how. His forgetting things got much worse and, when we did meet to just hang out, he was always tired and seemed bored with me. I realized how moody he had been in the last six months and how cold and withdrawn he seemed when we saw each other.
It gradually began to dawn on me that I was in a kind of friendship box, being kept apart from almost everything in his life but still being friends as long as we were alone. I was never invited to meet his other friends, his family, and never included in any plans he seemed to always be making with other people. I tried to get him to know me and my wife but he would always find some way to avoid any contact with her and he didn’t seem at all interested in hanging out at our apartment with us. Little bits of his other life would slip out and I got it that I was kept away from all of the other people that seemed to be in his life on purpose. He never told me what he did between the times we met and when I would ask, just in a friendly way, I would get vague answers or just “not much.”
The really hurtful thing that happened in this friendship (I did consider him to be a close friend, at least up until then) came when I was with a group of other people and he showed up but not because I was there. It was a coincidence, like totally random. He was completely baked and I could tell he was trying to cover it up, I tried to introduce him to people but he seemed like he didn’t want to know who they were. He couldn’t hold a thought for more than a minute or two and he seemed moody and kind of rude to people. He didn’t join the conversation and just stood there watching everyone. It was obvious to me that he didn’t expect to see me and was kind of fake nice to me like I was someone working in a store and he was just being polite. I felt like he really didn’t care about me or my life anymore. There seemed to be none of the warmth left that we had once had and he didn’t seem at all happy to see me. That hurt.
I’ glad I found this site. I went searching on the internet for information about pot dependence and addiction and mostly what I found at first were really biased sites sponsored by addiction treatment clinics and they weren’t much help. Reading the posts here and the responses to them helped me understand that I’m not at all alone and that other people have had similar experiences with pot smokers. I still really don’t blame pot. It has helped a lot of people with medical conditions and I guess with psychological conditions too. I think criminalizing the use of pot is ridiculous and I hope those who can benefit from it have legal access to it someday. My objections to pot are only in the way some people use it like my friend. He uses it to escape the reality of his life and to distance himself from the people around him. He has become self centered, uncaring, and cold and our friendship that I valued so much is almost gone. I’m always open to seeing if anything can come of it but I don’t hold out much hope at this point. As long as pot is his best friend there doesn’t seem like there’s room for me.
Well said. This is my life as I type this, but I have 3 kids, 2 of which are his. The longer you wait to get out, the harder it is. I wish I would have left a long time ago. It’s a miserable lonely life with someone who is addicted to weed. Yes, weed addiction is definitely a thing (in this case, forsure). Anyway, it sucks being with someone who you feel has to constantly be high when they’re around you. Can’t travel too far because once the weed starts wearing off he turns into a total dick head or is awkwardly quiet and miserable. Doesn’t do any work to our house that needs done. Instead he likes to play video games! They don’t care when you’re hurting or if you need to talk. They don’t care what’s going on in your life. Hes a monster if he doesn’t have it. That being said. He loves my kids. He’s a good dad considering. He does have a full time job BUT DO NOT DATE A POTHEAD IF YOU’RE NOT ONE YOURSELF! It’s a very lonely life in terms of a partner.
I have a 7 month old daughter with my partner. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, us i think, but I am finding the loneliness and messing with the head of my partners addiction so trying. I knew he had a problem when I met him but I just never really thought it would continue into our adult lives, I always just presumed he would ‘grow up’. But he hasnt. I feel so alone. I love him but I know he will never stop. From the outside everything seems perfect but I have never felt so alone and trapped in all my life. I dont know what to do. He is past being able to communicate with, he goes through a 2 week on two week off kinda vibe. I am so grateful to read these messages. I dont feel like I am losing my mind as much. 🙁
i have been married for 19 years to my husband-addict. i knew about his use when we met, but like you, assumed he would grow out of it. he didnt. we now have a 17yr old daughter who has basically said she wants to move out cos of her dad’s behaviour. we have called the police on 2 occasions due to his anger outbursts which have become abusive. it wont get any better. i am now considering divorce as my mental health is cracked beyond repair possibly. i cant do anything right, its never his fault, its shit, utter shit
Hi Nicky,
Thanks for your post. My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend?) smokes 4 – 5 times a day. He lied about this when we met, and I fell for him, then found out. I felt pretty tricked, and he said he masked it on purpose. The weird thing is he would get so angry for much of our relationship. He’d flip out and dump me, only to want me back after. Like violently out of his mind. He’d tear apart his own belongings, like ripping apart his sunglasses into pieces. His eyes would get big and he just acted insane over small things.
He said it was not the pot because that is not what pot does to people. In reading your post and this blog, it seems like pot and anger/irritability are connected. It finally got better for the past two months as he started seeing an anger therapist. Before that it was flat out abusive, with name calling etc. Now he doesn’t do that. But he still does plenty of things I don’t like — like not being considerate, being selfish, having things be his way or no way — and he is still irritable and judgemental toward me.
Overall, he may quit one day, and I am glad he now admits to the addiction. I love him but I don’t want to live in a house with someone smoking pot first thing in the morning. I don’t want to live with the criticism and the inability to be flexible, or to compromise.
The worst part of the pot smoking is the lack of sameness or stability. If he doesn’t smoke before we go to an event, likely there is something that bothers him and we have to go home after he gets upset. Recently, he spilled his drink in the car and freaked out, punching the steering wheel and swearing. He decided he would be better and we went to the event instead of going home. It was pretty miserable and he was rather a jerk most of the time.
Keeping him happy and peaceful can be a full time job, like I have to mother him. Anyway, that is my experience, as far as I can see. I love him, but I feel he likes himself and his pot more than us, and he likely has a better future without me. He should be who he wants to be, it isn’t a fit for me.
It is strange because when there was non-stop fighting, and he would be upset for 3 days at a time, I felt closer to the relationship because I was trying so hard – to pacify him and make sense of it all. I didn’t get how he could be so upset about pulling weeds, or a question I asked, or something else. Once he screamed at me for a few days (and broke up with me for a few days) because I wanted to go on vacation. He said vacations are stupid. Now that the relationship is more peaceful due to the therapist (he is not stupid — if he is paying for therapy, he will stick to the aim of not getting angry), I am ready to leave. Why leave when it gets better? I see that I should have likely left earlier, it was inhumane for me to stay with the person, but I was addicted to him. Now I see the day-to-day, isn’t good enough, or isn’t a fit. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I don’t want to live with pot.
Reading this article is like reading about my own marriage. I can relate to almost all of the comments. I’ve been married to a chronic pot smoker for 8 years and we have a child together. I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol. I pay all of the expenses and my partner spends his entire income on cannabis and then constantly borrows money from me to buy more. When he doesn’t have cannabis he is angry and abusive and blames me for the fact that he smokes cannabis sating hurtful things like “I need to smoke as much as I do to get high enough to cope with being married to you.” He will even sell things that I have bought for the house to fund his cannabis use. He smokes between 4 to 6 grams per day and pretty much his whole day revolves around smoking cannabis. He doesn’t work or study because of his drug use but always says big money is about to come his way. The marriage is entirely all his way – he takes but never gives. Never makes any effort to make me feel special or loved. I feel lonely even though I’m married. He will isolate us from anyone that disapproves or doesn’t like his drug use. He has made it clear that he doesn’t want to quit or reduce his habit in fact he wants to smoke more. I often fear he is not far off moving to another drug because cannabis doesn’t seem to effect him. He recently did urinalysis and the test couldn’t measure his actual thc levels because he exceeded the maximum levels measured by the drug test. Problem is I’m still in love with who he was before cannabis that I struggle to accept that he is no longer that person.
My ex from a 10 year marriage was similar; I am however a very determined woman who tends to go to the extremes to find a solution… end of story was: I ended up smoking as much as him (lots and lots all day long) at harvest season (I was a Friday night smoker previously) and it all went pear shaped… So ‘we’ had to quit together to save the marriage… otherwise I was going to continue to make his life Hell… no way was I leaving him I would have hunted him to the ends of the earth… long story short it worked… My bullying tactics worked. Our marriage ended at 10 years as we drifted apart and are now the best of friends. He’s helped me with my subsequent pot head partner and I’ve really realised what this drug/medicine/herb can do. It can destroy lives, possibly nations. My latest ex is classic for all the frustrating emotionally absent characteristics described by the OP.
I’m not a smoker of Marijuana, but I’m scared of living with someone that been smoking since 17 or 18
In my opinion, Communication IS the backbone of any relationship. I learned that trying to create a healthy & satisfying partnership is completely FUTILE with a pot-head.
Can’t listen or remember.
As immature as a teenager.
I think this is a very damaging drug to individual users, spouses, lovers, children, workplace, community, country, world.
Really quite sad. What a waste.
Heart breaking when you love someone so passionately . You have dreams and aspirations which are all too quickly shattered. Do you stand and watch or do you tell them to stop with a ultimatum .
When they ignore you and then tell you they don’t love you .
You have to listen and let go .
Bitter Sweet
We can only dream what could have been yes .
Especially when you loved them with all your heart .
Hi yes it’s so hard I have just come out of an 8 year relationship.alqays hoping he would eventually change and not take the weed.
It’s so hurtful and wished I had known what I know now I would never have started the relationship.
Honestly…I think he sounds more depressed than anything. Yes, he smoked weed, yes best done all of these things, but I think if you look at this symptomatically, you’ll see that it mirrors depression and other depression-like or comorbid mental illnesses. Weed, is just his coping mechanisms to ease the anxiety, pain and tension – does it help with numbing him? Yes, like anything would if he had been using alcohol even. I don’t think it’s so much that it is a “horrible drug that’s trying lives”, I think depression is the culprit and weed is the coping mechanism and he was in pain. Good on you for doing what’s right for you and moving forward, but I think he should be understood at a more in-depth level than just a weed habit. The guy sound broken, like he has stress that you couldn’t even understand. I am the sober partner, who has also smoked weed when my high partner and I went through hell on earth. We were in and out of jobs, flat broke, he had a tough childhood and had been on his own struggling since he was 16 and I had my own problems too, not to mention going into a deep depression after being sexually harassed. Love is not easy, it’s not saying something, it’s showing something and it’s a commitment; it sounds like with all that he had going on he wasn’t ready to make that commitment, but to blame weed is to ignore the real and underlying problem. I hope you are doing well.
Hes depressed because of the weed. I’ve smoked weed for 25years and because of depression, mood swings, selfishness etc etc etc.. just read all above stories….. I now stand to lose the most wonderful wife and 3 kids ever. My wife has just left me because of all of the above. Today she told me what I had been doing to her and the kids emotionally. I have never been so disappointed or ashamed of anything in my life and the scary thing is I didn’t even see it happening. I’m not a bad person but weed has probably cost me my world (I’ve been in love with my wife for 28 years, my kids are 16, 12 and 10). I only see it now cause I’ve not been able to smoke regularly for the last 3 months due to lung surgery, she’s tried to tell me when I’ve been on the weed, I just thought she was nagging and annoying me in my stoned world. When on weed mate all that matters or even exists in the world is me me me me me me…My journey begins from here, making sure weed and I don’t cross paths again so I can hopefully win the love of my life back and become a much better father. Weed makes you the most selfish person in the world so pray your kick in the arse comes before its to late. I was mine had.
This made me very tearful. Felt like I have written this. When I try to explain to my friends and my smoking partner what the problem is I just can’t seem to. You have hit the nail on the head. Since lock
Down he has started again. He can’t see it and now is so distant from me. Anything I say or complain about regarding his lack of connection ends in rows and my lack of understanding about weed.. apparently. We have a had the best time’s when he was not smoking. Now in times of stress he starts to smoke and I’m left on the side lines. I don’t want end it but I’m stuck trying and living off the past ‘good times’
This post helped me so much. I did not realize but my partner was exhibiting all of the signs. He was a chronic user, would smoke during the day and at night before bed. Would smoke if he was celebrating something or wanting to relax at night. I almost preferred his mood if he smoked. I ended up breaking off the relationship but have had doubts month after month of if I was right to do so. Were the issues we experienced my fault? Could I have done something more? The answer is laid out in all of the examples above: irritability, moodiness, inability to cope with stress, emotional immaturity, lack of decision making skills and delayed uptake of information. These things are so subtle to point out on their own but it now makes so much sense. Thanks so much for sharing your story, it’s hep me to shed light on mine.
Thank you for this post. I was dating a pot smoker on and off for 10 years. He started when he was a teenager and never graduated high school. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with smoking weed. He tells me it’s good for my depression and encourages me to smoke, even though I told him I want to stop smoking so much. Every date, 95% of them, we will smoke pot together. I have never been with him on a totally sober day. He was really happy when he did well at work, but his mood would change when he wasn’t doing well. He would act really irritable with me and we would get into fights when I brought up concerns about the relationship. We would stop talking because of it, then after a week we get together again and my concerns about the relationship would be put on the back burner. This repeats every time I ask questions because he wants to avoid them and continue as he likes. I don’t feel like he is able to plan for our future being high every day. I see a pattern where he gets absorbed by his cellphone and can hardly look away when I talk to him – despite multiple conversations about limiting its use. I can attest, weed has made me withdraw from my non smoking friends. I have bad memory, I often re-read a lot, have a lack of control over my emotions. I recently cut him out of my life after reading this article. I am glad because I want to lead a healthy life without this substance in my life.
Spot on. Nothing more to add. Just ended a 3 month romance with a person who has smoked daily for several years. In the beginning, I was not aware of this but as he became familiar and comfortable, he started lighting up in front of me. I was surprised but didn’t make a big deal about it. Soon after I noted that he was more and more forgetful about things we talked about, dispassionate about doing things and spending time together, unreliable with commitments, distant even when sharing the same space, etc. etc. I never felt like a priority for him even though he constantly called me “the total package” and expressed his desire to be with me. It was intolerable and I just had to end it. I deserve a clear headed, intentional love, not the in and out scraps left over from a self absorbed addict who denies the impact of his long term drug use.
This post is so accurate! I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years with someone who’s addicted to weed. At first, I thought he did it only for fun sometimes and didn’t pay any attention… anyway, the time came by and things got worst. I stayed though, thinking I could help maybe. I’ve been super patient, always hopeful…but the thing is… it’s impossible, it’s all promises and nothing; they certainly know how to manipulate feelings.
The thing is…He has zero interest…he’s 26 years old and has lost 3 academic semesters of psychology, for example: he has spent the whole quarantine smoking and playing videogames, literally, that’s it. He gets stoned and plays for 10 to 15 hours a day, the whole week. He gets moody, avoids any conversation that can be a little bit “conflictive”, I mean, a normal conversation about feelings. Lacks enthusiasm for everything, always late, incapable of planning, forgets everything (or says he forgets… idk anymore), can’t handle emotions at all, he’s not even capable of reading 1 page of a book because he just can’t concentrate, he smokes 3 to 5 times a day.
I feel sad and well, it’s a shame because he’s losing his life, but believe me, I’ve tried hard to support him, with therapy, support groups, friends, activities, there’s nothing else I can do. I mean, 3 years… that’s like too much. He exists, he doesn’t live anymore.
Amen. You are spot on girl!
This was so helpful. So familiar. Eerie even. I remember saying that so many moments were blissful just like you did (the most present and connected I’ve felt to someone) and others were so CONFUSING. I think he was trying to smoke less for me, but that made him irritable and resentful of me. I waffled between being accepting of it as medicine and wanting to be with someone who didn’t have to rely on something to feel good (esp since I’ve worked so hard to find my happiness naturally). I’m still struggling because I miss the moments of bliss and worry I’ll never feel that connected/attracted to someone.
Cried reading every one of these, its like I’ve written them myself. I love my husband but this is destroying our marriage. I must be crazy though because weed can’t be addicting right?…. 🙁
So helpful. My moody pot head partner and I have been unable to be ‘in a relationship’ for more than two weeks at a time, often going 8 weeks without talking. When we’re good we’re really really good and when he flakes out and won’t engage or let me know he likes me it’s shit. When we got together I smoked a joint of a Friday night for fun. He smoked daily. Now I smoke daily, and am miserable. I started smoking daily to deal with the rejection he denied giving me; at the time he had be beleive it was all me and my woman hormones. Now reflecting, my last ten year relationship was sweet; except for harvest season… but we both had enough going for us to notice and quit when it became a problem. My last angry text to my pot head was “fucking do some more drugs, have a beer, get a sore tummy and have a sook and ignore me”. Ok it wasn’t the last text the last one was more like “I don’t feel loved by you, try being honest with your next cheep whore and don’t promise to love her for all eternity”. Cause that’s what his moody pot smoking nature did for me; I felt like he only wanted me when he wanted me, and never when I needed him emotionally. I’m probably going to smoke pot again, of a Friday night, and possibly over do it at harvest season again, however with a chronic pot head I will not do a loving relationship again.
I would like to start by thanking everyone one who has posted on this site. For those of us in the depths of this addictions just knowing that others have been through this is a great support.
I am 31 years old, I started smoking when I was 14 and the love of my life went back to her mom’s house about a month ago now, because of all the reasons stated above.
We were meant to get married this year, but when corna hit and we were put in lockdown my smoking went into turbo drive and I didn’t even know why. My partner would always ask me if I’m ok, if she could help me and if I could reduce or not over indulge in the pot cause I was irritable and distant and all that. But I couldn’t, or rather I didn’t. I kept smoking and not dealing with my feelings untill she had enough and left.
. I actually want to change and not feel like need to smoke everyday.
I know that you can’t love someone truly as they deserve untill u love yourself, and I know it’s not fair to ask anyone to wait for you to get yourself together. But I am on this path now, and I hope Wen I come out the other side, because I will come out of is. I hope she will happy, and I she will be happy with me. But as the non-sober partner. It starts with me.
Thank you so much for writing this! I was in a relationship with a girl who was a full blown stoner, she’s 18 and has been smoking since she was 14. She broke up with me about a month ago saying that relationships freak her out, fair point considering the long line of bad guys she had been with up until me, a good guy. This explains so much and helps me understand a lot of her actions, words and moods and i could never date a stoner ever again. I always steered clear of any girl who told me they smoked, but she didn’t tell me until well after our first date, and i liked too many things about her so i gave her a chance. She said at first she only did it occasionally, but when she face timed me one night high as a kite I knew this was a problem. But i didn’t say anything at the time and decided to stick it out thinking it was a one time thing. Then we took a trip to the beach and she did it four times within a single day, and persuading her 13 year old kid sister, who hates it, into doing it. Her reasons for doing it she said were “it helps me sleep” or “it helps me focus to drive better” which she has done multiple times, driving high that is. I should’ve been the one to end things thinking back on it, but i’m never the type to break someone else’s heart.
I needed this. Thanks for making me feel normal after the nightmare I outlived. I will never date anyone reliant on any drug in my life ever again. ON GOD. I lost my love my stepson my family. I will not and I dont put this lightly will not EVER put myself in that situation again. The hurt is too much. Clearly I wasn’t as important as the pot. Always a silver lining, waiting for mine.
I dated a girl who smokes pot. When we first started dating I didn’t make a big deal about it. After all, everyone smokes these days. Out of all of my friends, I am the only one that doesn’t smoke pot.
She is 19 and still in college and I am 22 and graduated a couple of years ago.and working full time. I realize we are at different points in our respective lives and I planned on not taking the relationship very seriously. I ended up falling in love with her anyway. She is smart and sweet and funny but when she is stoned she is cold and uncaring.
It seems that we can only go to events where people will be smoking and can only hang out with people that like to get stoned. I’m often the odd man out. She does not understand how this makes me feel. She seems to smoke more and more and I can’t remember the last day that she didn’t smoke. It has been months.
I asked her if she thought that smoking was becoming a problem for her since she was smoking every day. She said that it was not. She was keeping up with her schoolwork. I tried to explain how it made me feel when she would get stoned with her friends and I would just sit around and watch.
I told her I wanted to have a girlfriend that would be interested in the same things that I was interested in and not somebody who didn’t care about my feelings.
I stopped calling her after that. After a few weeks I figured that was the end of it. Then I received a handwritten letter from her. She explained that she was in love with me and that I was the first guy she ever really loved. She was sorry about making me feel left out. She wanted to have a relationship with me. She thought we were really good together. I really loved this girl and really wanted to make this work. Then I read that she said that smoking pot really made her feel good and that she would really like me to at least try it to see how much fun it can be. She said it could be something that we could do together that we both would enjoy.
I am so heartbroken over the whole thing. I love this girl and I feel like i will never find anyone else like her. I do not want to get involved with drugs of any kind. I was hoping that she would just cut back on it and not smoke when we were together but she is not interested.
I never answered this letter and have not heard back from her. I hope she just leaves me alone and I hope that someday I can move on from this.
I have never related to a post more. This is exactly what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who smokes weed. My relationship just ended because of it and it is sad that my partner could not see the life he could have had with me if only he would give up the dependency to this drug. Anyone saying it is not the weed and it is not harmful has not been in a relationship with someone who is heavily addicted to weed. Thanks for this I needed to read this and made me feel a lot better.
Oh wow, this is so spot on!! It will really help me to not go back. I was dating a weed smoker on and off for 2 and a half years. Sometimes he’d stop for periods of time but he always went back, and if stressed would be smoking every day, multiple times a day. A lovely, funny, intelligent man, and then also would go cold emotionally, then distant, crap at communication, couldn’t make plans and then would say that commitment freaked him out. I’m beginning to see that his weed addiction is keeping him in a low energy, moody, fearful place and that because he smoked since he was 13, he is stunted emotionally.
He is still trapped in bitterness about his ex from 6 years ago, and I believe he numbs out with weed and never fully dealt with the emotions.
His sweet apologies used to win me back..until now, because I can’t be with an addict. It’s heartbreaking. I kept waiting for him to change but he’s too wrapped up in himself and his addiction.
I was in a two-year relationship with my ex but we broke up with me a month ago because he said he realized he didn’t love me and ever did. He said he thought our relationship was based on psychological issues and it was a complex entanglement then love. He said in his mind, love is fking intense emotion that he felt on the other night but want towards me. The next day of the breaking up I found marijuana from his bag. I guess he started to indulge himself with smoking weed since the end of last year til now. I can easily feel the difference and some changes of his commitment in this relationship since then but I didn’t realize why. I asked him and communicate with him regarding what I felt. He started to act irritably and made some lies to overlap smoking. I trusted him too much so fully believed in his words. He was a really patient and considerate guy in the past one yea and a half. But this year everything changed. He became really irritable and inpatient to me. Chatting with other girls and people but being cold with me and my messages even if I texted him some important things. Starting being over open to sexual things in ideas. Not respecting my feelings like before and saying many hurtful words to me. Telling lies and giving fake promises at the same time. I guess he even cheated on me this year because he started to distant me from the end of May this year. Some days he was online on messenger but didn’t reply me at all. Sometimes messege me things irrelevant with my questions. I guess he was texting other people or girls but accidentally sent to me. Being moody to me since the beginning of this year and shouting at me when I try to start conversations or try to talk about something conflictive. He performed really like a paranoia this year sometimes. His words changing with different attitudes this year really unstable. He lied to me saying it was because his anxiety but finally I realized that the weed made him being so stable this year. He started being so picking to me and only thought about bad side and unhappy memories about me and our relationship. Sometimes would say something really wired and gave me a lot of gravity feelings. Making me so depressed. I knew he wasn’t a perfect person with perfect personality and I accept it because there’s no perfect partner. I tried so hard this year to maintain the relationship from changing myself. But it didn’t work. He blamed me on everything when he said breaking up. I couldn’t stand anymore and realized why he changed so much this year when I found the weeds. I assumed he take even more more drugs than just marijuana. I’m clean with drugs stuffs so this is one of my bottom line regarding any relationships. He used to hate people taking marijuana on the street and really looked them? down but this year when I found he smoking this shit. He even asked me to try it and said it was a fine thing. But I know it is not because as his ex partner I clearly saw his changes and really feel he is dying. He spent almost all his money earn from internship for a company for four month on buying drugs and didn’t even be able to pay the rents this March. I will say no any drugs is good for people. Don’t think marijuana is fine because people having it would just justify it than see things clearly. when you are in the mountain, you can’t see it as whole. He wanted to be friend with me after breaking up I rejected. He then picked up one of my post on Instagram and messege me saying he was gonna sue me for slander…. Anyway, addicts moods and behavior turning to fluctuating. Stay away from them no matter how much you love them before or how good they were before. This is the only way you can save yourself from them.
I came to this website out of desperation. I’ve been dating a guy for the past 6 months whom has been smoking every single day for the past 5 years. A month ago he completely stopped smoking. He is experiencing really bad withdrawals and most days I find myself thinking we were better off when he was still smoking. He is extremely moody, gets angry, can’t sleep, always tired, not in the mood to do anything, barely talks and has started pushing everyone way. He’s very very depressed and I’m starting to worry that he might harm himself. I’ve also been struggling to keep my own emotions in check and be understanding when he has these lows.
Is there anyone that is still dating or even married now to someone that stopped smoking? Does it get better?
Hi Liza. It can get better. The first month of quitting is the toughest. Sleep, mood changes, and irritability are all common symptoms of withdrawal. Is it possible he was self-medicating for depression, by smoking weed? Exercise helps. Has he set new goals for himself rather than just quitting?
Thank you so much for this article. So many people online defend pot and it honestly crushes me because it has completely ruined my marriage. Your article describes my relationship with my husband perfectly. It has gone on for three years now. I am just happy you got out when you did. My husband is also a liar as well as a pothead and has been able to deceive me that he genuinely is going to quit for the past three years. I have bought him a house, and birthed him a son, and he still will lie to me, steal my money, and abuse me for the sake of pot. I’m leaving him now but I really wish that he had just been honest and upfront with me and told me he was never going to quit in the first place.
I’ve been in this type of relationship for 17 years. It never gets better. We have 3 kids together and he constantly avoids me and says he’s at work. I know he goes to hang out with a guy friend and employee every day to get stoned and drink together. Usually they meet up around 4 or 5. At least 3-4 days per week he’s gone and unreachable until he feels like coming home at 10 or 11. Despite being obviously high and smelling like weed when he gets home, he completely denies it. He’s “highly functioning” in that he’s intelligent and runs a family business however, he is missing out on his kids childhood, he has destroyed our relationship (I plan to divorce home within the next 6-8 months). He has been smoking daily fo 23 years and he is starting to sound like Ozzy Osbourne.